Total honesty

I find it funny last week you confessed all you could to me but this week it's avoidance. Do you know what my heart speaks?

Isn't it hilarious how I said nothing during the conversation and I stated to literally give me a week. How did you feel?

I find it odd I am trying to speak my truth but have conflicting thoughts of whether I love you and whether I even want to exchange sentences w you anymore. 

It's interesting how I called you the other night and you called back an hr later which I noticed but didn't want to call back.

It's understandably I don't want to put too much hope in this bc of previous experiences. Is it fair?

I thought about everything you said. You loved me and always will, you're scared of anything w me bc you're afraid you'll get hurt and you're not sure of what's next in your life. 

In regards, I thought about what I wanted to say. You're a selfish man. You think of only yourself and what's good for you. You may have stated that you gave me everything but that's only when it benefited you. You would never give me a chance to state my peace bc you didn't want to hear it. I lost myself in that relationship bc I am selfless. I give everyone everything but when it comes to me and how I am doing, I have nothing left. I care so much about others, I don't have enough energy or time to deal w myself. It's sad. If I don't start putting value into myself, I can't expect anyone else to. I need to be seen as an asset and not a liability. Not something or someone that can be thrown to the side or under the bus bc it's convenient and that saves you from pain. I've had enough pain and suffering, I don't need to add an additional 'optional' amount. It's not worth my time any longer. 

It's amazing I came to the thought of me needing to be more selfish. Put myself first. Everyone afterwards. That means everywhere on my life. From family to friends to significant others. Like I said previous, I can't expect people to see me the way I need to be seen if I don't put that value in myself. 

It's no longer about you... It's about me and my needs being met. No more coddling. No more sweeping my emotions and needs under the rug. No more hoping for the best. I need to be the best form of myself I can be. I don't want to regret anything. To avoid that, I need to start thinking about Stacy. 

Walking around. Wasting time.

I was in Ross just looking around. Nothing in mind. I just wanted to look. I find two water bottles which would be great for my younger two sisters. They're wasteful when it comes to plastic water bottles. At any given time, they have 3-7 water bottles each, half full and scattered on the floor. Ridiculous? I know. Any way. I check out the art and shoes etc.. I'm about to check out and I stop by the dresses. I'd really like two or three. This woman (by the name of Teresa or something... I forgot) catches me looking at a cheetah dress in disdain. We start a conversation and w/in the first 30 secs of word exchange she said 'you have a nice smile and a beautiful soul.' I did think much of it. 

Afterwards, I was wondering, can your soul be seen by other people? Or is it your spirit? I actually want to know more. Long story short, thought that was interesting. What does my soul look like?

I've been thinking...

The last few days, I've really been thinking. I've thought about how I am, my nature, natural reaction to things and why I am the way I am.

Long story short, I am a very selfless person. I cannot recall a day, (perhaps there are a mere handful of days) that I've been selfish. I honestly cannot think of one. Even in those times I've wanted so desperately to be, I can't get myself to do so. I think about others constantly. I put a 110% effort into helping others. Some may say that's a fantastic quality to have but is it really. Could it be 86% selfless and 14% selfish??? Or something more even on the playing field??? 

You may say, 'why on earth would you want to change into a selfish person?' Well, in all the time I've been a yes person, I've lost sight of who I am and what I'm about. Does that make sense?

Let me chop it up a bit. All this time I've been helping, pushing, encouraging, and persuading people to do the right thing and do what's best for them, I've had no chance to know what's best for me. I don't know anything about myself really. I can't tell you the last time I was able to be needy. I was able to lean on someone's shoulder and ask for advice or just take a day to myself and relax. It's like everyone gets that luxury but me.

I use to be so great at expressing myself, let people know what I feel and what my needs are. It was never overprocessed or excessive. It was simple. This. That. Done. But now, when it gets to me telling my truth, I freeze up. I worry about and how people will react to what I'm to say and what of it hurts their feeling. I need to find a balance between being the go to person and the person that needs an ear every once in a while. 

I really don't ask for much. I'm a simply complex girl but I want to get back to simplicity and blunt but direct. No prisoners but still considerate. 

I need to get me and myself together before I can really try and coexist w another needy individual. 

So for right now, I'm not taking anymore nonsense. I need to focus on me before hauling other folks. They'll just hold me back. 

Coincidence

My thoughts on January 19, 2014

Isn't it strange we find ourselves back in the same position we have known so freely. 

I find it funny we can so easily have conversations as if no amount of time passed. 

Isn't it ironic how after a year and some change of no contact, we still know each other from the inside out.

I find it humorous how we can still speak in the same way and yet feel slightly brand new. 

Perhaps it's all coincidences. Then again, there are too many coincidences to not mean something. 

Happy New Year!

Hello 2014! You've started off quite well I would think. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened so it's just easy sailing as of now. 

Thus far I've had a breakdown/breakthrough/epiphany  about life I guess. It was needed. Didn't want to start off the year under duress. Perhaps not the most civil picture painted in ones mind but my mind has been battling certain lingering elements for a few months now. It's either time to leave that behind for good or allow it to wallow longer in arms length. I've just let it be. I'll find out what the purpose is later. Until then, more substantial matters are in need of address. 

This first weekend of 2014, I decided to spend it w my family and my plus one (Hershel). I think this weather is making him possessive w toys around other dogs but eh who can blame him. He's typically relaxed and posed but he was "snippy" as they stated at petsmart's day camp. Did a bit if shopping (not on purpose I assure you). I don't shop much these days unless it's for others or Hershel. This all was Saturday. 

Today, Sunday, went to church. Ended up getting there after the communion (sad face) but surpassed most of the singing (happy face). I honestly don't like all the singing at times. It starts to sound strange after awhile to my ears --- eek! Most of the service I was completely confused. The singing of one song that gave every member a voice was not good. Everyone has a different range and pitch but people were pitchy and some were quiet while others were bolsterous. Idk sounded like it wasn't together well enough. Paster was jumping around from subject to subject and keeps reminding us how much he loves Jews and Jerusalem which is great and all but it becomes a little overpowering at times. 

After church, went rock climbing w my family. My mom and sisters all climbed but my dad is afraid of heights (go figure, didn't really know that). I had a good time even though I had to coax my youngest sister into it she ended up having a great time. We all did. We at at golden coral and went shopping for a little bit more. 

So I can say, I had a great weekend. My hands hurt from rock climbing. I wonder if anymore body parts will sting tmrw. Oh I can't wait!!!

Oh and I'm suppose to start this thing called bikram yoga. 'Hot yoga'

Doing yoga in a 105 degree room for 90 minutes. Sounds like a challenge to my ears. I can't freaking wait actually! 

Until next time,

Later!