From Eden - Hozier

Absolutely love this song. 

I no longer have patience.

No need to beat-around-the-bush, just straight to the point and direct.  Beautifully put.  Originally written by José Micard Teixeria

Hmm me oh my!

So I get a text from a previous love and of course I answer.  No big deal.  It was good.  Natural.  I fell into a standard routine that was normal and comfortable.  It was nice to talk...  Well chat through text.  I admit, I enjoyed it.  It felt good to be open and honest with someone who meant and still means so much to you.  It's crazy.

After being with someone else, you'd think you'd be over someone and you find out your still not.  I've come to the assumption that I'm not over him and I won't be for sometime.  Out of sight and out of mind is only a temporary thing until they waltz back into the your life again.  He is my weakness.  My Achilles heel.  My kryptonite.  I wish it wasn't like this but it is.

I want to cry!  I cannot be friends with him when my heart states one thing but my mind houses rationale but is starting to agree with my heart.  We go down this path every few months and it is getting harder and harder to resist the possibility that this may render.

Im happy for him.  You know...  He's growing up finally and planning to get his PhD in something he loves.  It's amazing how he's made a turn around.  I just hope he has a girlfriend and is prepping to get married.  This would allow me the opportunity to move the hell on.  

I want him to be happy...  Strike that, I need him to be happy but my happiness is primal.  Lord help me!

Haha I wish he and I were on irreconcilable and incompatible terms.  I don't want to talk to him over the phone or see him in person bc I will say yes to anything at that point.

I still care for him quite a bit.  It pains me to carry on like this.  I need to put my desires on hold until I finish my classes or until I get a "I'm with someone" statement. 

Rise Above - Wiz Khalifa

One of my top ten favorite Wiz Khalifa songs. It's my jam for the moment. 

Austin Trip! 8/29 - 8/31

This past weekend, four coworkers and myself went on a road trip to Austin, TX.  I actually had quite a bit of fun.  We went to a BBQ restaurant called Salt Lick, a wine tasting, hiking, swimming, canoeing, bat watching, and tourism junk. I had fun. I can't wait for the pictures to come out but here's what I have so far. 

It was very scenic at Hamilton park. 

X - Chris Brown

Can I just say... Phenomenal. I adore this album. It's versatile. There's hiphop, rap, pop, alternative, house, smooth r&b... It's so good. I love all five singles out but I've really concentrated on the other hits on this piece of art. It's so freakin' good! Well worth the wait. He definitely took his time with this. 

I love Do Better feat. Brandy. I've always been a fan of hers and she sounds amazing. 

Other favorites are: Autumn Leaves, Don't Be Gone Too Long, Lost in Ya Love, Time for Love, Came to Do, X, & Drown in it. 

It's so hard to pick just one! I love all of it. 

Hats off Mr. Brown! Remarkable!

TED talk: TEDMED

OMG, I am extremely excited to be sitting in a TED talk.  So I love watching and listening to TED talks on Netflix and iheartradio.  They're informative and amazing.  I got an invite to one today at UNTHSC in Fort Worth today.  I'm ecstatic.  The fact that I am here is amazing.  The TED talk is about unlocking imagination in service of health and medicine. 

Can you tell I am taking my future career very seriously? Lol. Anything that is interconnected to health administration I'm going to... Well within reason.  This will be my second symposium that I will have attended since deciding my future.  This will be amazing.  Why didn't I go to PA school here, haha? Maybe in a few years. 

I honestly am on the edge of my seat. 

Point of irritation

Here is what I don't understand. 

You go to the vet. The dog has gained 7 pounds since the last time he was there. The vet is like he's gained a lot since March or April (whenever he was there). 

You regurgitate that to your family members and they are like why. How in the hell do you not think he gained that weight? You feed him but don't walk to run him around? I don't get it. Then their response is if he appears hungry we will feed him. He, as smart as he is, will gilt people into thinking he's hungry. He knows who to go to when he wants something. He knows I don't play that so he doesn't try any of this crap w me. How annoying! If you feed him play w him. Don't feed him and let him lie there. I'm annoyed. 

Oh and what really made me annoyed today was for my masters course we have to post 8 substantive posts over the course of 3+ days. I have done 3 and only one was graded. If my other two are not substantial let me know. If you have by seen them, let me know. There has been a message box that states there have been issues w posting discussions. That being said, it's Saturday. If my other don't count, instead of doing 5 I have to do 7. Ridiculous but it will get done. 

It's official

Went out on a date last night and I feel good. I know where each of us stand and that makes me incredibly happy. I love this man and he knows. I want to build and develop a life with him. Isn't that scary, in such a short amount of time? If he asked me to marry him next month, I would say yes w no hesitation. Almost 4 years older than me, has his life together, has a dream job he loves, great height and the best part is he's a true gentleman. He treats me as a lady should be treated and it amazes me all the time. We have amazing chemistry, he makes me laugh, love being w him and I only see him. I actually didn't and don't want to talk anyone else. 

It's incredible really. I have felt this amazing in a long time. Such a wonderful man. 

The Whoas of lust

Dilemma... Dilemma.

What do you do if you've been on date with a guy and you feel like you've known each other longer than the two to three weeks you've actually been talking? Oh AND to mention, your first date with this fellow trumps all other first dates? He was pretty amazing on paper and even better in person! We have similar interest but I can also learn quite a bit from him as well. I've never been so nervous I wanted to vomit on a first date... Which this reaction is good, I guess. I don't really know.

What do you do? - Plan a second date!

I want this to actually last. Hopefully that is not my hormones talking or better yet LUST. He has a handsome face and a pretty toned body. Ugh. So completely my type!

I'll consult the Lord on this one. I'll pray to no eff this up lol.

WAY WAYYYYY better than trainer in my opinion.... Which is the one that really matters!

Total honesty

I find it funny last week you confessed all you could to me but this week it's avoidance. Do you know what my heart speaks?

Isn't it hilarious how I said nothing during the conversation and I stated to literally give me a week. How did you feel?

I find it odd I am trying to speak my truth but have conflicting thoughts of whether I love you and whether I even want to exchange sentences w you anymore. 

It's interesting how I called you the other night and you called back an hr later which I noticed but didn't want to call back.

It's understandably I don't want to put too much hope in this bc of previous experiences. Is it fair?

I thought about everything you said. You loved me and always will, you're scared of anything w me bc you're afraid you'll get hurt and you're not sure of what's next in your life. 

In regards, I thought about what I wanted to say. You're a selfish man. You think of only yourself and what's good for you. You may have stated that you gave me everything but that's only when it benefited you. You would never give me a chance to state my peace bc you didn't want to hear it. I lost myself in that relationship bc I am selfless. I give everyone everything but when it comes to me and how I am doing, I have nothing left. I care so much about others, I don't have enough energy or time to deal w myself. It's sad. If I don't start putting value into myself, I can't expect anyone else to. I need to be seen as an asset and not a liability. Not something or someone that can be thrown to the side or under the bus bc it's convenient and that saves you from pain. I've had enough pain and suffering, I don't need to add an additional 'optional' amount. It's not worth my time any longer. 

It's amazing I came to the thought of me needing to be more selfish. Put myself first. Everyone afterwards. That means everywhere on my life. From family to friends to significant others. Like I said previous, I can't expect people to see me the way I need to be seen if I don't put that value in myself. 

It's no longer about you... It's about me and my needs being met. No more coddling. No more sweeping my emotions and needs under the rug. No more hoping for the best. I need to be the best form of myself I can be. I don't want to regret anything. To avoid that, I need to start thinking about Stacy. 

Walking around. Wasting time.

I was in Ross just looking around. Nothing in mind. I just wanted to look. I find two water bottles which would be great for my younger two sisters. They're wasteful when it comes to plastic water bottles. At any given time, they have 3-7 water bottles each, half full and scattered on the floor. Ridiculous? I know. Any way. I check out the art and shoes etc.. I'm about to check out and I stop by the dresses. I'd really like two or three. This woman (by the name of Teresa or something... I forgot) catches me looking at a cheetah dress in disdain. We start a conversation and w/in the first 30 secs of word exchange she said 'you have a nice smile and a beautiful soul.' I did think much of it. 

Afterwards, I was wondering, can your soul be seen by other people? Or is it your spirit? I actually want to know more. Long story short, thought that was interesting. What does my soul look like?

I've been thinking...

The last few days, I've really been thinking. I've thought about how I am, my nature, natural reaction to things and why I am the way I am.

Long story short, I am a very selfless person. I cannot recall a day, (perhaps there are a mere handful of days) that I've been selfish. I honestly cannot think of one. Even in those times I've wanted so desperately to be, I can't get myself to do so. I think about others constantly. I put a 110% effort into helping others. Some may say that's a fantastic quality to have but is it really. Could it be 86% selfless and 14% selfish??? Or something more even on the playing field??? 

You may say, 'why on earth would you want to change into a selfish person?' Well, in all the time I've been a yes person, I've lost sight of who I am and what I'm about. Does that make sense?

Let me chop it up a bit. All this time I've been helping, pushing, encouraging, and persuading people to do the right thing and do what's best for them, I've had no chance to know what's best for me. I don't know anything about myself really. I can't tell you the last time I was able to be needy. I was able to lean on someone's shoulder and ask for advice or just take a day to myself and relax. It's like everyone gets that luxury but me.

I use to be so great at expressing myself, let people know what I feel and what my needs are. It was never overprocessed or excessive. It was simple. This. That. Done. But now, when it gets to me telling my truth, I freeze up. I worry about and how people will react to what I'm to say and what of it hurts their feeling. I need to find a balance between being the go to person and the person that needs an ear every once in a while. 

I really don't ask for much. I'm a simply complex girl but I want to get back to simplicity and blunt but direct. No prisoners but still considerate. 

I need to get me and myself together before I can really try and coexist w another needy individual. 

So for right now, I'm not taking anymore nonsense. I need to focus on me before hauling other folks. They'll just hold me back. 

Coincidence

My thoughts on January 19, 2014

Isn't it strange we find ourselves back in the same position we have known so freely. 

I find it funny we can so easily have conversations as if no amount of time passed. 

Isn't it ironic how after a year and some change of no contact, we still know each other from the inside out.

I find it humorous how we can still speak in the same way and yet feel slightly brand new. 

Perhaps it's all coincidences. Then again, there are too many coincidences to not mean something. 

Happy New Year!

Hello 2014! You've started off quite well I would think. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened so it's just easy sailing as of now. 

Thus far I've had a breakdown/breakthrough/epiphany  about life I guess. It was needed. Didn't want to start off the year under duress. Perhaps not the most civil picture painted in ones mind but my mind has been battling certain lingering elements for a few months now. It's either time to leave that behind for good or allow it to wallow longer in arms length. I've just let it be. I'll find out what the purpose is later. Until then, more substantial matters are in need of address. 

This first weekend of 2014, I decided to spend it w my family and my plus one (Hershel). I think this weather is making him possessive w toys around other dogs but eh who can blame him. He's typically relaxed and posed but he was "snippy" as they stated at petsmart's day camp. Did a bit if shopping (not on purpose I assure you). I don't shop much these days unless it's for others or Hershel. This all was Saturday. 

Today, Sunday, went to church. Ended up getting there after the communion (sad face) but surpassed most of the singing (happy face). I honestly don't like all the singing at times. It starts to sound strange after awhile to my ears --- eek! Most of the service I was completely confused. The singing of one song that gave every member a voice was not good. Everyone has a different range and pitch but people were pitchy and some were quiet while others were bolsterous. Idk sounded like it wasn't together well enough. Paster was jumping around from subject to subject and keeps reminding us how much he loves Jews and Jerusalem which is great and all but it becomes a little overpowering at times. 

After church, went rock climbing w my family. My mom and sisters all climbed but my dad is afraid of heights (go figure, didn't really know that). I had a good time even though I had to coax my youngest sister into it she ended up having a great time. We all did. We at at golden coral and went shopping for a little bit more. 

So I can say, I had a great weekend. My hands hurt from rock climbing. I wonder if anymore body parts will sting tmrw. Oh I can't wait!!!

Oh and I'm suppose to start this thing called bikram yoga. 'Hot yoga'

Doing yoga in a 105 degree room for 90 minutes. Sounds like a challenge to my ears. I can't freaking wait actually! 

Until next time,

Later!